Tales from the Dark Side

I have been in a bit of a funk for a while now.  I haven’t blogged because I generally try to articulate my words closely and always want to be so careful of the things that I say.  In the past six months, our lives have been flipped upside down with major change on so many fronts.  I have been running myself ragged trying to keep everyone in my life happy  because I have a tendency to be a people pleaser.  A few weeks ago, I finally said “enough” and I am slowly putting up some healthy boundaries around what I can and cannot do.  In my quest to keep everything in life flowing smoothly, I have forgotten to breathe.  I haven’t had any semblance of a “sabbath”.  A day to slow down the pace of life, reflect, meditate and just be.  And, like the dark waves of the tide that lap the shore at the end of the day, I have felt the slow cloud of depression settle over me.  I have struggled with it in the past.  It starts like a dull fog and it’s not until it is so thick and enveloping that I even realize it has arrived.   It is not a oft told ailment because I just can’t handle the pat answers of pray more, do more daily devotions, get into scripture, etc, etc.  I know that this is my body’s way of telling me I’ve been doing too much, too fast, with too much intensity.  I also think it is part of this journey I am on.

I was at our church a few weeks ago and just so disheartened.  Major renovations continue on this building to update it.  I understand that buildings need upkeep.  It’s the over the top upkeep that is just so frustrating.  I live in a city that has been greatly affected by the downturn of the economy.  Our local food bank has had 400 more families this fall apply for assistance than last fall.  So my frustration lies in thousands of dollars going towards beautifying a building when so many people in our community do not know how they are going to feed their children.  Women on a parenting forum in my area have been posting wondering who to go to for help and what they can do to keep their heat on this winter.  My heart breaks for these families and yet there is only so little that our little family can do compared to the many people who need a helping hand.

I can feel myself disconnecting from the whole idea of traditional church more and more.  I have tried to stay to be a change agent but I don’t even believe in the idea of it anymore.  I do believe that we are called to be in community with other believers.  There are so many scriptures that point us to this.  I also believe that we’ve got it all wrong.  The lights, the cameras, the huge buildings, the huge fundraisers for Project XYZ, it’s so “us” focussed.  I long for a place in a community of believers where we can journey together through all the ugly real stuff.  I know that God can still be present in all the imperfection of the church as we now know it but I just don’t think that I can.  So I continue to float in this abyss that I find myself in and wonder where it will lead.  Following the lead of the Spirit can be a scary, uncertain place.  It’s the silver lining of true freedom that keeps me chasing for more.

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